Blog #3

Hello everyone.  A few big changes are coming.

You might have noticed a short story below.  I have more on the way.  I'm trying to venture out into other literary genres with my writing.  Writing only poems, haiku, short stories, etc is so limiting.  Some forms are better at communicating certain ideas more so than others.  I've always liked to hear stories, and now I'm trying to tell them.  And while I've always been creative, but that hasn't led to me creating.  I see writing as much as possible in any format possible as an attempt to squeeze as much as I can out of myself.

I just read that April is National Poetry Month.  I've decided that for the entire month of April, I will write and publish a poem every day and read a poem from a different poet everyday.  Some of the poems will undoubtedly be short, poorly thought out, and probably not very good, but I think the exercize of writing will be tremendous.

Also, there is another reason for my new writing of short stories.  I am going to attempt NANOWRIMO this November, and I want as much preparation as possible.  If you don't know what NANOWRIMO is, it is is National Novel Writing Month.  The goal is to write 50,000 words in a month.  I think its a great stimulus for those of us who have always wanted to write but needed some initial oomph.  Anyway, I want to learn my limitations, how much I'm capable of writing and how much I need to push myself, so I can be prepared to rip out 50,000 words in 30 days come November.  The first short story was 904 words, so it will be like writing 50 of those to complete it.  Damn.

Last, and definitely not least, I am contemplating a move to another blog hosting website.  If that happens, it will be soon.  I started blogging here a long time ago for a class followed by several personal blogs with only one post.  After an English class blog, I tried again, but this one is the first one that stuck.  I've never shopped around, and my eyes are being enticed by other places.  I also want to have two blogs: one purely personal, the other for my poems, articles, short stories, etc.  For now, however, this will be the go to place fro all my work.

Another Perspective

This is an attempt at a short, autobiographical story, of which I hope to write more in the future, including fiction. It is personal and has a directed audience. Feel free to read it, but it may not be of much worth to anyone, including its intended recipient.

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You called me. I answered. It was the fifth or sixth ring. I had been sitting holding the telephone, feeling it vibrate through me as my heart palpitated faster to keep up with its pulse. An eternity passed between me hitting send and hearing my hoarse, unused voice cough out "Hello?"

I don't remember anything you said. I know you wanted me to pick you up outside your dorm. I think you were hungry. I was shocked at hearing your voice and at the thought you would call me. I ran eagerly to my car, pushing past youngish looking men blocking the stairways laughing heartily about everything and nothing. I tripped on one of them and heard only faint curses in the distance as I hurriedly continued. I needed to touch you. I wanted to hear you. I was determined to see you.

I reached the car, flung the door open, and suddenly felt a sinking feeling. "What does she want from me?" I sat there for five minutes. Then it was ten. Twenty minutes later I summoned the courage to start the car and leave the parking lot. I tried to clear my mind, but I was overcome with anger at the thought that maybe this was only a car ride. Maybe you just needed something. You probably think I just want to be your friend.

You got in the car, and it was silent. Even the car drove tensely. I tried to think of something, anything I could say. It all sounded stupid, so I just kept my mouth shut, hoping you had something to talk about. You didn't. We drove somewhere. I don't remember driving at all.

All I can remember is the tightness in my chest, the way you filled my car with the scent of your lotion, how happy I was that you were with me, how I wanted to touch you so much it hurt, that I wanted to tell you I still loved you and how beautiful you looked in that baggy, old t-shirt. I wanted to say that I had never loved anyone before, and I didn't know what that meant before I met you. I wanted you to know how tortured my life had been since I selfishly paraded out on you because I thought you couldn't want me anymore.

Then I heard you say, loudly, "So are you just not going to talk to me?"

I looked you in the eyes for the first time in months. Your face was red; your look was fierce. This was not a look of scorn, anger or sadness. It was much worse. It was all three. I could hear your heart beating and breaking through your voice. It was both powerful and weak.

We argued. I don't remember anything I said; I didn't know what I was saying then. I should have told you I loved you. I should have held you. I should have kissed away your tears and asked for you back. But I didn't. I said something about how I felt left out and alone and needed friends. It was a lie. I needed you. We didn't settle anything that night. I hoped I would get another chance, but I knew I wouldn't.

I went to my room and lay on my bed. I stayed there for weeks. I couldn't go to class, because I would see you. I couldn't go eat, because I would hear your voice in the next hall. Eventually, I moved home because every time I saw you with someone, I was jealous and defeated; every time you spoke to me, I wanted to grab you and kiss you but knew it was past that; every time you reached out to me, I knew I had blown it.

It took me almost a year to get over you. What should have been a one year anniversary was for me a painful reminder of what I had lost. Two years later I still felt depressed if I looked at your picture. Only now, after three years have passed, can I even talk about it, wonder what you are doing without me, and not be tortured by the could-have-beens.

I did love you, much more than you think I did. It might have been young and naive, but it was love nonetheless. All that is past and gone now, but we will always have our memories, however short and sweet they might be.

I will always think of you. I will remember our long rides to the middle of nowhere, an excuse to smoke cigarettes that was a veiled excuse to be with one another. I will remember how we dented my car hood that night under the Texas stars. I will remember the first movie we went to see and how awkward I felt. I will remember kissing you at IHOP, then kissing you more in our secret spot. I will remember how I held you as you slept, or pretended to sleep, on that late drive back from San Antonio. There are a thousand other memories, still as vivid as the day they happened, that I will always treasure.

But the time has long passed to say the things I wish I would have said. That flame has been extinguished, that life choked out. I hope you can forgive me, and whoever you find makes you happier than I did.

Blog #2

Once again I was low on time this week to devote to poetry, so there are only two poems up today. I still didn't finish the one I'm most proud of so far, and I've reached an impasse with it. Its an ode to average, common people, and I think the problem is my own background. I'm going to have to stretch myself on this one.

Also, my poetry writing process is changing significantly. Where before all my poems where just vomitted out onto the page, now I'm actually taking extra time to write out more poems. It hasn't worked every time— one poem I thought I would published last Wednesday will probably not be published till next Wednesday— I am seeing results. My online published work isn't growing, but my catalogue of ideas and half written poems are. Hopefully that will allow me to be more consistent in publishing the poems as time goes on.

Finally, I'm going to try to get back into haiku. It is such a great writing exercise and really gives me inspiration. Haiku actually has a lot of rules, but I just follow the basic syllable order. I like haiku because it is like emergence in biology; something much greater comes from the sum of its parts. Really good haiku evokes strong imagery or emotion, which is remarkable since its only three lines.

That's enough blogging for only two measly poems. Enjoy!

Jacob's Ladder

If I could find a ladder to heaven,
I would climb with all my might,
burning shoulders
burning away my sin and shame.

If I ever reached the top,
what would I find?
Could it be a place of angelic refuge,
heavenly hosts lounging in eternal gluttony?

Would there be streets
paved with gold and gems,
an engulfing warmth and glow,
an El Dorado high in the sky?

Or would I see mercy
for the homeless and heartbroken,
love like Christmas dinners,
the grateful hearts of wanderers in a stranger's bed?

When Jacob saw the ladder he said,
"Surely the Lord is in this place,
and I did not know it."
The ladder is here; climb.

The Bike Ride

Flying free,
head in the clouds
feet close to the ground.
A whirling, a whizzing,
a wheezing sound.

Chest convulsing,
fresh air relieving stale,
as sunburned, burning legs push forward;
the sweet, sweaty scent of
burned calories, forgotten worries.

Pushing, pummeling,
faster, faster!
escaping the past
head first into the future,
a speed beyond human speed.

Brakes broken—
no use for them now.
A senseless yearning
driving over insurmountable hills,
a conquered landscape.

For a few moments
all is lost and found
in the time of no time,
the ever present Present.
I am at peace.

Blog #1

Hello, dear readers.

This week was rather busy week for me, and so I did not have the time to write and edit my poems as I would have liked. I also scrapped the entire "haiku Friday" aspect, but I will probably bring it back later if I get the knack for dealing with my life's schedule and setting aside time for creativity.

That being said, I do have one poem I've been working on that I am quite proud of, and hopefully it will be up next week. Plus, I had some ideas that were just too rough to post today, but they will probably appear later on. What I'm posting today might even be edited and re-posted later, but I wanted to get some things up, so I wouldn't break my habit. Its not my best work, but its something.

So, I hope you enjoy.

A Lullaby

Sleep,
deepest sleep,
fall on me tonight,
and let me dream
the quiet dreams
of forgotten lullabies.

The First Day

I have said many things,
many I regret,
many I wish i could take back
into the recesses of my mind
where darkness fears to tread,
the unholy inner sanctum
of angst and aggression,
a churning sea of black
where thoughts unimaginable
teem together,
a choreographed cacophony
of patriarchal chaos.

And yet, a spark of light
brightens that eternal darkness,
the light of my world,
the salt of my earth.
I was once loved,
and loved once,
have had a lover,
and been called the same.
I have said that meaningless phrase
with all the meaning I could muster—
"I love you"
and I saw it was good;
light from darkness,
morning from evening,
a first day.

Weak Coffee, Weak Poetry

There is nothing quite as grim,
and no day I am less prim,
when on mornings I wake up,
without coffee in my cup.

Hide and Seek

I thought I saw you once,
floating in the water,
treasure beyond all treasure
stuck for a moment in a tidepool,
held back by a sunken bottle of beer.

One night I heard you speak
lying almost asleep in my tent
as tree limbs cracked and fell,
blown by a silent wind
that carried my name.

I have felt your touch;
it was a cool spring day,
a biting wind whipping into skin
just as the clouds parted,
the sun warming my face.

Over and over I have met you,
but I still don't know your name.
Who could you be
to make me feel insignificant
yet as though I am the whole world?

I have sought you all my life,
and, see, I am searching still.
You cover your face from me,
hidden away in place I can't reach,
a little closer, ever further.

I wonder if you want me to find you at all,
or is this the game we play,
you hide, I seek?
Here, I seek;
I will be here seeking till I see you.

For The Girl I Sometimes See Who Always Makes Me Laugh

Are you blind?
Does the sun's light return
when it finds your eyes?
Is that why they are always shining?

Or are you stupid?
Is your bright mind dulled
by the facts and figures you consume,
beyond my simple grasp?

Are you a drunkard?
Is that why you are always smiling?
a tipsy little flirt torturing, tantalizing
a barroom of broken hearts behind her?

Are you depressed?
Always a sigh when I leave you,
your glances haunt me;
I see your shoulders sag from afar.

You must be blind
if you cannot see me here, staring at you;
You must be stupid
if you think I could love some feckless tart;
You must be drunk
if you wonder whether I would take your hand;
You must be depressed
since you look at me as though I will never look at you.

Yet blind, stupid,
drunk, or depressed
I would have you,
you and you alone;
darling blond head on my shoulder,
your lusty laugh filling my ear,
pretty lips and sharp tongue
momentarily stalled by mine.

No, dear,
the only ugly thing about you
is though you read this and sigh,
you still won't believe its for you.

Subtle Advice

"Reel 'er in boy!" he said,
the crank buzzing like a thousand angry bees,
the sting felt on the other side of the rod.

"Keep that pole up!" he said,
watching my 9 year old frame bend,
bow, and struggle against that fish.

"Easy now!" he said,
the fish coming closer and closer
on its ascent to the boat.

"Now pull 'er off!" he said,
knowing I hated the slimy scales of the fish,
waiting for its spear-like fins to slice.

I'm not sure what he was trying to tell me,
but I found my grandpa's advice
works equally well with fish and women.

To Her, The One I Dream Of

I can still see you
lying on the bed in front of me,
legs spread wide as eyes;
you gasp, a whisper.

Your taste is unforgettable.
I drink your warm, dank wine,
its scent filling my nostrils,
a bud now fully blossomed.

My hand is behind your head
pressing us together,
two small gears working one greater,
skin grafting to skin, a mess of humanity.

Is it any wonder I dream
dreams of you, dreaming of me?
You were once my dream within a dream,
but I have awoken, alone.

I imagine someday I will find you
waiting for me in that old cafe
reading the tattered fantasy I left you,
wishing it was about us.

It is about us,
a canon roaring in battle,
hitting target with deafening fury,
an uneasy silence lingering in its wake.

We are its wake,
two made one made two again.
No amount of fantasy or sleep
will wake that old dream from its slumber.

What A Man Can't Say

If you could feel my longing,
would you leave,
heels turning on a dime?

If you could feel my longing,
would you distort your face,
a cruel mix of disgust and fear?

If you could feel my longing,
would your anger explode,
maiming shrapnel piercing skin?

Or would you share it like communion wine,
cup after merciful cup,
lapping up the bitter dregs?

If you could feel my longing,
would you stay?
Would you hold me tonight?

Can You Remember The Last Bottle Of Rum?

Can you remember
the last bottle of rum?
We were half sober when we bought it,
smelling of stale cigarettes
and cheap wine.

The clerk gave us a leary look;
"You boys be safe," she said
as we stumbled out to the car,
tripping on the sidewalk's edge,
the edge of the world.

Can you remember
the last bottle of rum?
A frenetic beat pummeled us forward.
Damn the troopers!
Damn the oil men!

We talked of pagan virgins
dancing in animal skins,
thrown out with the coffee grounds
after a single pot;
A smile, a laugh, a sadist's grin.

Can you remember
the last bottle of rum?
Nowhere to go,
running out of time,
mechanical veins split open, draining fast.

We are reckless, wild abandonment,
the incarnate Christ of the flesh,
Satanic mirth belching out of the murk
of the almost empty bottle;
An apocalyptic heaven of a hell.

Can you remember
the last bottle of rum?
I left you alone, lonely;
My thirst for sobriety
trumping my craving for debauchery.

You gave up that thirst long ago
for a malty-er one;
Its been years since we've spoken.
I know you're still alive,
I hope you're still living.

A First Time

Very well.
I hang my head upon a hat stand;
I have no use for it
Since I saw you.

It was late in the evening,
Some quiet scene on a tranquil lake.
A myth, a madness,
A boat smashing upon the rocks.

Time ebbed and flowed,
As did I
Into your writhing embrace;
I was lost.

Then a feeling
Of colors, vivid and red;
Jehovah creating the world,
And I enraptured in it.

Tell me you were lost,
Your incessant mind ceasing,
Your silence wrapped in mine,
Louder than all the bombs in the world.

The sun rises;
Its light burns my eyes.
Won't you be the pretty little cloud
That passes overhead?